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Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The covers of this book are too far apart.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.